Over breakfast they discussed the work of the day ahead. They had to travel to a port occupied by an infamous group of pirates who allegedly had The Ark of Iraq in their possession. It was a good distance southeast of them and their journey would take them through the notoriously dangerous Forest of Evil and Hellmouth Canyon and, depending on how high the Big Gray River was, possibly the Willowisp Swamp. There’d been a lot of Orcs, Gnolls, Goblins and Hobgoblins in the Forest of Evil lately, and the Demon Azazel had allegedly been tempting people from a cave. And apparently, according to Churchill, there was an area in the Forest of Evil right around Azazel’s cave that was haunted by dangerous sluts.

“Why are they dangerous?” Freddy asked him just before biting into a biscuit.

“Because they’re sluts!” Cromwell said, pounding his gauntlet on the table. Jessica winced. “It’s self-evident!”

“Buddy you’re on the wrong side of history here,” Freddy said with unexpected passion. “Sluts are good!”

“Will you two please shut up,” Ruby Regina said angrily, scowling at everyone in general. “We’ve got to get going soon. I’ve secured a carriage for those of you who don’t have horses.” This meant, as near as Freddy could tell, Luna, the halflings and himself. So he’d have to sit with the halflings. He shook his head and muttered obscenities under his breath. Ruby Regina continued, saying that they’d all ride together through the Forest of Evil on Ruination Road, which was, unfortunately, pretty aptly named. She began telling them about how there’d been a lot of Orcs in those parts lately, even more than usual, and that they’d all have to be very vigilant right from the get-go, which everybody took very seriously.

Soon they’d finished breakfast and Regina was paying as everyone else got ready to go. Freddy felt a heaviness in his stomach as the reality of what he was doing set in. There was something not right about it. No, not just something but many things, and not only not right but utterly ridiculous and terrifying, and it felt weird to him, going along with it all the way that he was, but he kept going. By the time they’d actually gotten rolling and taken Ruination Road into The Forest of Evil, Freddy was just about to fall asleep in his seat next to Luna’s soft pillowy body but was startled by a great ruckus outside the carriage. He looked out through the side door curtains to see that Churchill had taken a spear through the face. It appeared to have gone in through his eye socket and come out through through the back of his helmet, splitting the helmet it so that it opened up along a line of cleavage down the middle and the pieces fell away from his head in opposite directions on either side and down to the ground, and he died on his horse but he did not fall from it. Cromwell let out a loud cry that first sounded anguished but soon changed to furious outrage.

Before anyone could tell what was going on the Orcs were descending on them, dark skinned creatures in dark armor snarling and growling. Ruby Regina raised her hand into the air, holding it open, and a ball of blue-white Eldritch energy gathered crackling at her palm. Cromwell cried out his comrade’s name and unsheathed his Vorpal Blade of Deathening, a sword both long and broad, made of Christilium, the holiest and most deadliest metal available to Paladins at the time, which glowed with what followers of the One True God called The Light of The World. He leapt down off his horse and swatted an incoming spear out of the air with preternatural agility, and Ruby Regina threw the ball of Eldritch at the ground, causing a bright flash that made all the Orcs fall to the ground stunned and squealing.

Seeing that the Orcs had been neutralized, Freddy leapt out of the carriage and pretended to be ready to do some killing, but then, instead of doing any actual fighting, he just watched Cromwell and Jessica go around stabbing and gutting and decapitating the stunned Orcs. Cromwell was very fierce with his enormous sword and he cried out passionately, almost orgasmically, each time he made a kill. Freddy looked at Churchill. He was definitely dead.

After what seemed quicker than an instant yet longer than forever the battle was over and the air stank like bowels and viscera. Cromwell was holding a crucifix to his forehead and saying a silent prayer, his lips moving, his eyes shut. Tom and Jim Thumbikins were cowering in the carriage and Luna was now standing next to Freddy. They’d really only just entered the Forest of Evil and it had been a bright morning but all about them now fell a shadow as a thick cloud passed over the sun and the trees all seemed to droop and lean together so that everything around them was enveloped in a dreadful gloom. The birds in the trees seemed unaffected however and continued to sing as they had been. The carnage on the ground did not concern them.

“Seems so quiet now,” Freddy said. “Do we have to clean up?”

“We do!” Ruby Regina said. “We need to tend to the dead and to secure the area and ceremonially cleanse it to prevent The Forest of Evil from expanding further. It feeds on this kind of thing.”

“We’d barely even entered the forest!” Luna said. Like everyone else she was still on edge and half expected combat to suddenly flare up again.

Now Tom was next to her, he’d gotten out of the carriage to look around. “This is terrible!” he cried, and put his hands up over his face and began weeping into them. His brother Jim was more stoic. He looked over all the dead bodies and spilled viscera and decapitated Orc heads and muttered: “So it is.” The two brothers, who’d sometimes seemed so the same now seemed very different.

“We can get help at Frogwart’s,” Regina said. She was doing better than everyone else at keeping it together.

“The prep school?” Cromwell asked.

“You know of it?” she asked back, surprised. Frogwart’s was supposed to be something of a secret but a lot of people actually knew about it.

“It’s where rich kids go to try and become Wizards,” Freddy said.

“You know of it too?” Regina asked.

“Well I may not know the name of the planet we live on,” Freddy said. “But I know Dogfarts or whatever is some fancy school for rich kids who want to become Wizards or get jobs working for them or some shit.”

“Humans can’t simply become Wizards,” Cromwell said. “They’re two different races.”

“We’ve opened up Wizardry to people who aren’t racially coded for it,” Regina said, “because Wizards are for diversity and inclusion.”

“The fuck are you talking about,” Freddy grumbled.

“Never mind,” Regina said. “We should go to Frogwarts and get help, because if we just leave all this carnage here, the Forest of Evil will feed on it and grow in ways that we don’t want.”

“It’s true,” Luna said. “This grim wood feeds on death and grows by it.”

“Don’t all forests do that?” Freddy asked bluntly. “Isn’t all the dirt in all the woods, like, dead trees and leaves and animal carcasses and shit?”

“This specific kind of ugly battle leaves a bad spiritual residue,” Luna said.

“Heroic Churchill,” Cromwell said. “May God watch over thee. And may He eternally flay these dead Orcs in hell. May their howls of pain–”

“Cromwell!” Jessica blurted. “Please.”

“I just want justice,” Cromwell said. “Is that too much to ask.”

“Yeah well,” Freddy said. “Pray in one hand and shit in the other buddy.”

“What does that even mean?” Cromwell growled, aghast. “Have you no respect for this fallen hero?”

“Yeah well, if he’s such a great hero, how come he got killed?”

“Freddy!” Jessica gasped.

“I should give you a good thrashing right now to teach you a lesson, you scoundrel.”

Ruby Regina banged her staff on the ground and everything shook with terrible thunder. “Silence!” she bellowed, her voice large and terrifying. “We need to stick together and stay loyal, maintaining unity of purpose, for our mission has only just begun, and we may face more serious danger yet!”

Freddy was nonplussed. “Seriously?” he asked. “Can I bail?”

“Dear Freddy,” Tom Thumbikins said. “I of all people understand your concern. We halflings have a comfortable life sheltered by distance and Wizardly benevolence from this kind of thing…”

“We’re soft and privileged,” Jim said dully, a far-off look in his eyes.

Luna said angrily: “Your privilege is produced by acts of horrific violence all over the world that you rarely witness, and if you do hear about these acts it is mediated by pre existing information networks controlled by–”

“Luna,” Freddy said. “Don’t fuckin talk like that right now.

“You can’t just erase the truth by shutting people up,” Luna said, shaking her head, obviously in disagreement with Freddy but not looking to argue about it. It was the kind of thing she’d talked to Quee about over and over, how halflings and many humans and elves as well enjoyed a prosperity and peace as a part of global arrangements of power and privilege structured in their favor where events that would strike them as unusual to the point of unreality, utterly horrific and traumatic, were, in places like the Ring of Fire and the Dark Continent of Uruk, every day occurrences, and, Quee was often quick to say, it wasn’t because Orcs were inherently savage brutes, it is that Wizards, Elves, Humans and others were colonizing their land and exploiting their labor power and natural resources to produce the very power and privilege that they consider a natural effect of simply being more civilized, or cultured, or lighter-skinned, or better-oriented religiously. But of course it was all very complex and times like this when the stench and loud silence of death hung were not the times to argue it all out… but then, when no horrific event occurred, nobody wanted to ruin the peace by discussing dreadful things! Such is discourse.

“Yes I can,” Freddy said.

“Shut up!” Ruby Regina bellowed imperiously, causing Freddy and the halflings to put their arms up and cower. “We need to work fast. Anyone who wants to stay here can but if we want to go as a group we can do that too.”

“Let’s stick together,” Tom Thumbikins said.

“I might stay here,” Freddy said.

“Don’t be a loner, Freddy,” Jessica said. “Maybe you think it’s cool or something, but it isn’t.”

“Yes it is.”

“Freddy.”

“Fine,” Freddy said. “I’ll go.”

Ruby Regina said: “We need to backtrack toward Edgewood a little and then take the east road to the school. I have a friend who teaches there, a powerful wizard named Mysterioso–”

“Like the song,” Freddy said.

“What song?”

“Never mind.”

Regina continued: “He’s a teacher at Frogwarts and can help us. An event like this can ruin an entire journey, but Mysterioso is, among many other things, a high level Necromancer and Grandmaster of Auspices.”

“Wow!” Tom Thumbikins said. “Both very impressive titles and achievements!”

“Indeed,” Regina said. “Now, before we go, would you and jim like to split a biscuit?”

“Yes please!” Tom Thumbikins said.